


Our Quandry by Vulcan Lover

by KSForever



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Kolinahr, M/M, Pon Farr related, This is a link to the fic on KS Archive; more words than the counter says here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2018-10-03 09:26:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10241558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: A Pon Farr and Kolinahr story - perhaps, AU to what we know, or a missing scene. Strong emotions.





	1. Chapter 1

Our Quandry

“You shouldn’t have done it, Jim! We shouldn’t have done it!” Spock said, as he walked toward Jim, who sat at the desk in his quarters.

Jim looked up. “Spock – I needed to save your life! I thought you enjoyed it; I thought you wanted it, too.”

“I’m not accusing you of raping me, Jim. I’m not; but you should have remembered how I told you I wanted to die.” Spock stared at Jim, leaning across his desk.

“Why did you want to die, Spock? Why? Are you not happy? Is working as my First and Science Officer something that makes you fight the temptation to feel misery?” Jim queried, with his own intensity; looking directly at Spock. “Are you telling me that you were in your right mind, when you told me you wanted to die, and not in your right mine when you told me that, truthfully you wanted me, and you wanted to live?”

“I wanted you last night, Jim.” Spock admitted.

“Last night, you were still suffering from your Pon Farr; now, you’re recovering – at least I think you are?” He asked Spock.

Spock continued to ‘glare’ at Jim.

“So, now, you don’t still want me, or need me. I understand that, Spock.” Jim noted.

“Do you welcome it?” Spock asked.

“What do you mean?” Jim stood behind his desk, and continued to meet Spock’s intense stare.

“I know that you have had casual sex with many partners in your time.” Spock stated. “Are you glad that we only copulated because it was needed, but cannot have a relationship?”

“Are you glad of it?” Jim countered.

“This is why you should have let me die!” Spock’s emotions were still, unusually, on show.

“What?” Jim had to ask.

“I wanted it last night. I wanted it very much, or very ‘badly’, as Humans say.” Spock confided in Jim.

“Because of your Pon Farr, I know.” Jim promised.

“Even before then. Even now.” Spock murmured. “The Pon Farr only augmented it. In my right mind; I would still have wanted it. I did still want it. I hoped for it; that’s probably why I came to you. In my right mind, when you said yes, I doubt I would have walked away from my one and only chance.”

“Oh, Spock.” Jim tried to take it all in.

“You see? And, you were, you are content to let it be a one off, an experience.” Spock answered. “Yet,” Spock gestured a moment of pause. “I have wished to Bond with you for a long time. Years.”

Jim swiftly walked around his desk, to Spock.

Spock’s back straightened, and he met Jim’s look.

Jim reached out and touched Spock’s face with a cradling hand.

Spock stayed there, but eventually moved back; away from Jim’s touch. “The Pon Farr;” he began to try and explain. “Everything.” He paused, trying to clasp his hands behind his back. “It is now calling for me to be Bonded with you – and that cannot happen.”

“Yes, it can.” Jim replied.

“I can’t stand between you and your Starfleet Duty, your Calling. We cannot risk it; the Bond would make being strong enough to make the right decision for the crew, a thousand times more difficult than it already is.” Spock fathomed.

“We’re strong enough. I know that we both are; whether a thousand times is one of your calculations, or just an under-estimated ballpark figure.” Jim mentioned.

“A guess.” Spock furthered.

“Yes.” Jim smiled, still somewhat sadly.

“I have to go away, Jim; to try and find a way to live with what cannot be between us.” Spock admitted.

“You can’t, Spock. We do our best work together. You cannot leave; not when I love you in the same way you love me, and I know we can make this work. I saved you once. I can’t let you risk dying again. I don’t want you to die, or even to risk it. There’s no need. We can do this.”

“I can’t ask you to become part of a Vulcan Bond.” Spock insisted.

“Why not?” Jim asked.

“I have explained that, Jim – and, I doubt, when you ‘went to bed’ with me last night, that you thought you were making a lifetime commitment, or one that would probably change your career path; your destiny, as such.” Spock pointed out.

“I made the commitment to myself that I would forever live with the fact that I love you, long ago.” Jim confessed.

“Living with the fact, and living by it, are two quite different things, Jim.” Spock was, of course, honest.

“I don’t care, Spock; I really don’t care about that fact. This thing that I’ve wanted to happen between us for so very long; it happened last night, and it’s opened up a life we both thought we could never have. I can’t let that go. I’m not simply spouting uninformed emotionalism.” He put his hand up, to stop Spock from pointing out that possibility. “I love you, and you love me. It’s a fact. We can work through it; even let it change our lives somewhat.” Jim paused. “Unless you don’t want your life to change?”

“I’d rather it change because of entering into a relationship with you, instead of the other option we have.” Spock replied.

“Which is?” Jim asked.

“Me leaving; entering in to the Kolinahr at Mount Soleya.” Spock noted.

“Do you want to get rid of your connection with the ability to feel the love we have, and the need of each other?” Jim asked.

“No.” Spock replied.

They were so close in that moment. Close yet again, and, as always.

The End..?

25.1.17


	2. Our Quandry Continues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking and Decisions

"Spock, you've lived with thinking about this, as have I, for three weeks now. We haven't failed our duties, have we?" Jim pleaded.

"I do not believe so." Spock replied.

"Well, then, at least, please, think about it some more." Jim requested. "Is this because feeling so much love, yours, and mine, almost frightens you? You're worried that you might not always manage to remain very Vulcan about it all, or do you fear your Vulcan heritage, as much as your human heritage?" Jim watched Spock remain silent. "I certainly wouldn't want you to end up resenting me, as part of all that."

"Nor would I want you to resent me in the same manner." Spock responded.

" Godammit, Spock! We need you here! I need you! Please!” Jim pled again, and found himself adding “You know what will make me resent you?" Jim asked passionately. "If you leave now!"

Spock nodded his understanding. He got up and made to leave.

"I'm sorry, Spock - I lied!" Jim shouted out."I will never be able to resent you. I love you too much!"

Spock paused by the door. "Thank you." He noted. He then looked back to Jim, who was now standing behind his desk.

Jim quickly crossed the space between himself and Spock. He then held one of Spock's hands.

"If I had managed not to say anything to you that night..." Spock mused.

"You wouldn't be here at all. You would have died for no reason that I could live with." Jim furthered.

?? c ?? c

Jim worked hard, and refused to let any of his emotions out, until he was on shore leave.

"Bones, let's just drink beer and play holo-pool in my hotel suite tonight. I don't feel like putting myself through another night on the town; at least not tonight." Jim admitted, as he and Bones sat in a cafe.

"We should probably wind down on the nights out anyway - at least swap a couple of our drinks to synthehol; get ready for going back on duty in two more days." McCoy thought aloud.

"Yeah." Jim mused.

??? xx ???

"Jim, you didn't just ask me here because you hoped I would be up for a fuck buddy experience between us, did you?" McCoy avoided Jim's attempt to kiss him. "I know that I'm pansexual, too, but it isn't me you want. You want Spock."

"Is that really why he came to me, do you think?" Jim asked. "Because he knew I might be up for it?"

"There's always been more than that between the both of you." Leonard McCoy spoke a truth he'd first noted long ago.

"Are we that obvious? Spock won't like that." Jim replied, trying to keep the bite out of his voice.

"Neither of you have been that obvious. No need to upset his Vulcan sensibilities, or your Captain ones." Bones promised. "But we doctors need to be capable of at least a few deductible moments of empathy. Besides, I'm your friend." He paused. "Sit tight. It will all be sorted out between you two eventually."

"Isn't that's what has happened already. Isn't this it?" Jim asked.

"All I'm saying, Jim, is; don't rush in to anything else; any other relationships." Len explained.

"I'll try not to." Jim smiled tiredly -and because he was still a little bit tipsy, after all their night of synthehol, and one or two real beers, with one or two real whiskey chasers, here, in his hotel suite, he added this admission: "I do love you, Bones. You're such a good friend to me."

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy patted Jim's shoulder. "As you are to me. Truly." He promised. "Hang in there. It will all be okay."

"Thank you." Jim tried to smile again. "Thank you, my friend."

The End? 26.1.17


End file.
